How to handle a wage gap when you earn more than your partner

As a certified dating and relationship coach and former lawyer and mediator, I see more and more couples face relationship struggles when wives earn more than their husbands. Since 2009, the percentage of wives who earn more than their husbands has remained above 28% according to data from the U.S. Census. Not only are women earning more, more women are also becoming primary breadwinners. Having worked with many couples, I want to share the common issues that may arise from a wage gap and the ways couples can manage and navigate through them.

Author: Varsha Mathur, J.D, PCC, is an international speaker, certified relationship coach, and wife. In another life, she had a career as an attorney. Divorce and heartache disrupted her plans. After rediscovering herself and finding true love and connection in a new partner, she transitioned to full-time relationship coaching.

Disclosure: MyAsianVoice is committed to publishing original and third-party content that is relevant and useful to the Asian female and beyond. The content posted are strictly the views of the authors’ own and does not reflect the views of MyAsianVoice.

As a certified dating and relationship coach and former lawyer and mediator, I see more and more couples face relationship struggles when wives earn more than their husbands. Even though wage gaps have been around for a long time, they have caused little tension in relationships because it is often expected that men are more likely to earn more than women. But now, it is increasingly common for wives to earn more and have more education than their husbands.

Since 2009, the percentage of wives who earn more than their husbands has remained above 28% according to data from the U.S. Census. Pew Research reports that about 44% of Asian women, 46% of White, 60% of Black, and 39% of Hispanic women either earn near equally or more than their partners in 2022. Moreover, wives are breadwinners in 16% of marriages, a three-fold increase from 5% in 1972.

This shift can be challenging for some couples. Prior research have found that couples who struggle to communicate effectively about financial matters are at a higher risk of marital dissatisfaction and divorce. Having worked with many couples, I want to share the common issues that may arise from a wage gap and the ways couples can manage and navigate through them.

Common issues with a wage gap

Feelings of being not good enough or unsure of oneself. In such relationships, couples might feel inadequate or doubtful about themselves. This can harm their self-esteem and create insecurity in the relationship.

Switching roles and having conflicts because of it. Income and education differences can lead to conflicts about who does what in the relationship. This can disrupt established dynamics and cause tension. While chores are not often related to money; if left unaddressed, income disparities can cause problems even for household chores and other activities.

Not addressing the disparity and growing apart. Avoiding talking about wage disparities can lead to emotional distance and resentment. External pressures and personal insecurities can worsen communication problems, making partners feel disconnected.

Case study of Aisha and Raj (names have been changed)

Aisha works in finance and earns more than her partner, Raj, who is a doctor.

Their wage gap created a non-traditional dynamic that Aisha and Raj found challenging to navigate. They were learning to balance their jobs and relationship, which isn’t what people might expect.

Initially Aisha and Raj sought to navigate their challenge on their own. They recognized that they valued their relationship and made the decision for professional support.

My work with Aisha and Raj centered around productive conversations around this non-traditional dynamic. This improved their communications and allowed them to listen to each other’s needs and set goals together.

Discussing their childhood experiences around money, provided Aisha and Raj an understanding of where each was coming from and what financial expectations they had.

Aisha and Raj eventually found their own roles in the relationship that did not stick to traditional gender roles based on income.

Tips for managing a wage gap

Regular communications and share feelings without judgment. Good communication is key to managing wage differences. By talking openly and listening without criticism, partners can understand each other better and strengthen their bond. Share your interests, preferences, and strengths and apply them to your decisions around the house and in your household finances.

Respect each other’s contributions. Recognizing and valuing each other’s efforts beyond money is important for equality and appreciation in the relationship. Whether it’s financial support or household chores, every contribution matters. Be sure to differentiate monetary matters with chores and other activities.

Have shared goals. Setting shared goals gives partners direction and unity. By working towards common aspirations, couples can overcome challenges together. Sit down regularly and make time to discuss goals and plans outside of daily schedules.

Seek help from others like a coach or therapist when things get tough. Seeking help from professionals can provide valuable advice and support in dealing with emotional issues caused by wage differences. Like Aisha and Raj, seeking a third party for support creates a sense of teamwork and allows for structure.

Spend time together and support each other. Diverse activities and support methods strengthen the bond between partners. Whether it’s shared hobbies or emotional support, finding ways to connect is crucial. Recognizing the love between the two of you can make decision-making easier and more respectful.

Helpful Resources

Coaching by Varsha

Married-Couple Families with Wives’ Earnings Greater than Husbands’ Earnings: 1981 to 2022. U.S. Census Bureau